Sunday, December 23, 2007

I am kept sane during the holiday season by people, like dear RJ, who help me keep everything in perspective

"Can't wait to see y'all and enjoy the spirit of the season....sans baby jesus, bien sur."

And, later:

"O I can't wait to rejoice and celebrate the season inyer collective bosoms."

Saturday, December 15, 2007

I'm in danger of corrupting my parents

Dad: (Suspiciously eyeing me passing my mummy a bottle of Johnny Walker Black) You can't get your mom hooked on scotch. I can't afford it.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Rj was on a roll last night--a small sampling:

"I always took my panties off when I had tequila."

"It's like big, flat, plastic sex."

"I went through two copies of [Steel Magnolias] on VHS."

Saturday, December 08, 2007

We like to read the minds of our animals

My mom, voicing the thoughts of my dog Rufus about wading through 6 inches of snow:

I mean, why do you think God my my chest lower than my man place?

(She means, apparently, to plow the snow out of the way so it doesn't hurt his dangly bits.)

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Text message from Dusty

"Hey i was eating this really juicy pickle and then i thought of you hey shree"

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Rj's email salutation to me

"hey eclectic barbarella:"

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Brian comes through a second time on Turkey Day (TM)

"lol, your wit-sensing brain cells are apparently the iraqi civilians in this metaphor"

Brian's away message on Thanksgiving

"lord, we are thankful that the brown people we found here didn't put up much of a fight for their land."

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Reunited, oh it feels so good

"I swear that I smelled it later in a dream."--Eric on the rank Thai fish sauce we used to cook

"I'm really virile."--Tommy, on his sperm count

"I'm sure giving birth sucks too."--Tommy

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Oh, I luff her...

My mama's e-mail response to my yen to make a Pittsburgh trip:


Friday, October 05, 2007

In honor of sister Kara's birthday, belated quotes from her visit a few weeks ago...

K: "...this is what my nipple did."
Me: "The Kara Lawson on Lifetime."

"I wouldn't do guy porn, but I would totally do a girl."-K (I think?)

"There's something wrong with my second hole."
Soon followed by: "Feel my hole."-K

"Ok, finish your beer so we can go drink more."--me

Sister Kara quotes from the Andrew Bird concert

"Sometimes it pays to get screwed."

"I have whistle envy."

Sunday, September 30, 2007

A new feature of the blog

Magnetic poems found on my fridge, left by persons unknown (though I usually have a pretty good idea)

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Anyone else want to join her?

Rira: i want to join the apostrophe protection society

She does have a point...

Rira: I think I need to hook up with a girl
me: are you purposefully trying to make the blog now?
miss the attention?
Rira: haha, no
we are turning 26
me: yes, we are
Rira: i'm not going to be able to do crazy things for very much longer
me: that's true
that's one of the reasons I've been considering hard drug more seriously

me: but, yes I know what you mean
although maybe we could become lesbians in old age
once we lose our sex drive and just need companionship
Rira:but if there's no sex drive, is it really lesbianism?

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Long overdue (more to come soon)

Submitted by Rira

David: What are we going to do?
me: elope?
David: How about we study trancendental meditation under a yogi, then merge Eastern philosophy and music with pop music and trendy haircuts.
...and elope, of course.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

This delights me for so many reasons...

Rira: i bonded with a lesbian yesterday about the importance of coffee

Friday, August 31, 2007

Rira deemed this blog-worthy

me: i like coincidences :)

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Taking myself to task, for fairness's sake

Me, regarding the A/C on this hot, hot day:

"If I could stick this up my womb, I would."

Courtesy of "digitalboy"

rira: i don't really feel like a movie
dijitalboy: What do u feel like
Rira: drugs
dijitalboy: What kind
Rira: coke... e was my second choice

Me and hump day don't do well when put together in a small room and forced to interact...

Rira: hmm
you should start out wednesday mornings with alcohol

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Why I love my mom...

The first line of an instant message she sent me...

"I have conquered chicken!!!!!"

Friday, August 17, 2007

Dream-me sounds pretty crazy

Rira: i had a dream about you last night, po
you had a child--a 4-year-old girl
and you dyed her hair blue

Sunday, August 12, 2007

hip hop physiology

"word to your femur."--e

Saturday, August 11, 2007

New England is filled with passive-agressive signs

Sign on an 18/19 century ship in Salem, MA's harbor, possibly called "the Friendship":

Authorized personnel only
Vessel is alarmed

Site-specific gems

Of course a place called Bunghole Liquors will lead to great and easy quotes.
(I'm serious. This is a real place in Salem, MA. Check out the website if you don't believe me:

"And then on the way back we can look for Bungholes."

"You can see that Bunghole from five blocks away."

E reaches breaks new quotablitiy records (New England is inspirational is so many ways)

"It makes me feel like a 19th century sea captain."

"I'm going to take my pants off. Do you think that's alright?" (said on a public Salem, MA street)

"And now he's Edward 'Die-eed.'" (talking about dear, departed Edward Said)

"With mono, it's not about the destination, it's the traveling."

"I'm afraid that after this trip I'll never be this funny again."

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

sing it, sister


Rira: oh, and i would just like to say
celebrity jeopardy puts me in a bad mood
the end

Monday, August 06, 2007

Rira actually submitted this herself...

me: you just want to get me drunk so you can take advantage of me
David: Maria, I know that I don't have to get you drunk to take advantage of you.

It's just more fun that way.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Speaking on the supposed appearance of the West Coast gang "The Bloods" in NYC

Me: "What, are they franchising now?"

Dusty: "It's a chain gang!"

Belated quotes from my visit to Shayla-town

"And then you'd turn around, and there'd be a penis on your shoulder..."--keith

"I'm over the internet."--Shayla

"I just picked my nose with my toe!"--Nick (it would probably be a better quote if I didn't tell you that he's Shayla's 4 year-old nephew.)

"I gush for men who know how to use a chain saw."--Jon

From Rira, our beat reporter on the streets of NYC

homeless man to me, 8:46am, on 23rd street:
"Every morning, when you wake up, know that somebody loves you. Because I do. I looove you."
now, the goal is just to get someone with teeth to say that to me

oh, and yesterday, at approximately the same spot, 2 crazy people (a crazy couple?) were walking down the street and arguing
the man said loudly, "you ABUSED me"
the woman (even louder), "i LEFT you, i did not ABUSE you"

Friday, July 27, 2007

Oddly enough, I do

"You know that feeling...sorta half a wet ass? Well, that's where I'm at."--e

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Wouldn't that make life easier?

Rira: i have watched half of season 1 of the L word this weekend
on friday i wanted to be a lesbian

Me: what's stopping you?

Rira: i watched a couple more episodes and decided it's not for me

Me: ahhh I see
Well it's good that you researched it thoroughly

Rira: yes, i only make these decisions after careful thought

Saturday, July 21, 2007

I told him I was drinking the Blue Moon beer called "Honey Moon Summer Ale"

"When you finish the six pack, you can say 'the honey moon is over.'" -e

I like people who are moved by literature to physical reaction

And, yes, Harry Potter counts as literature in my book...

(via google)

Bomi: i was audibly shreiking and crying and laughing
i think i gripped my own arm so tight at one point that i bruised myself

E tries to ruin the end of the Harry Potter series for me

"i tell you, i couldn't believe harry potter turned out to be a girl."

Friday, July 20, 2007

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Weddings (and open bars) also make for excellent quotage

"I started a conga line. It was quality."--Amy C.

"The dress is adhesive? The breasts are adhesive."--me

"Are you wearing underpants?"--me, to Rira

"I haven't talked to her in a year. I feel kinda bad ruining her wedding."--Amy L.

"Just so you know, I'm not putting out now." (Who said this? I can't remember....not a good sign)

"If it helps out your blog, I do know that Maria likes to be the big spoon."--Amy C.

"Once again, we could be circus people."--Amy L.

"Well, he's not married, so he's fair game."--Rira (about the engaged Irishman)

(and later...)

"This is really sad, cuz all the people I drunk dial are in this house."--Brian (holding his phone, preparing to drunk dial)

"In the name of the father, the son, and Ashley Lawson..."--Brian

"I wish I could make you bleed."--me (to Brian?)

Friday, July 13, 2007

Quotes from my mom, upon spending an evening not getting to see the Harry Potter movie, so getting drunk instead

"Sweet!" (When we got our movie tickets, ordered ahead of time online, at the kiosk instead of having to wait in the long, long line)

Me: (talking about how I've got some bitch woman pegged.) "I've got her number."
Mama: "And it's not in your 'five.'"
(I'm so proud of her quick wit...probably one of the all time great Jenny moments.)

"Is it time for another Gim-butt?"--my mama (she means "gimlet," but she's already under the influence of one)

"Hell yeah!"--after my asking her if she thinks I could/should live in Prague next summer

Daddums schools his daughter on rock and roll

Me: I'm getting some pretty hardcore calluses from playing mandolin.
Dad: :::scoff:::
Me: I am! I know eight chords now.
Dad: Yeah...pretty soon you'll be Bob Dylan.
Me: But Bob Dylan doesn't play mandolin.
Dad:...but he's hardcore.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Talking about our drinking-white-zin-from-a-box-cause-it-was-free days...

Me: from a box!
Rira: yeah
i remember that
we didn't care so much back then
Me: nope
I think, if push came to drunk, we wouldn't care that much now either
now my first 2 drinks just need to be decent
after that, i'll drink anything
Me: we're classy

This one's for you, Nima

Rira: so nima went with me for a pedicure after work
i think i might have turned him gay

I think that last line would make for a autobiography title

Bomi: argh i asked my coworker to bring me a black coffee
and he went and got me a mocha
i know i should just appreciate him bringing me something
but i wanted REAL coffee!!!!!

Me: Exactly! That frou-frou coffee isn't real coffee

Bomi: so here i am disgustedly sipping frou frou

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

My first message from Rira this morning...

Rira: could you please send me a daily reminder that it sucks to be hungover at work?
thank you

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

And by "offer them a mango," he means...

E: now do you think i should buy some shoes with a cuban heel?
Me: hmmmm...
Any plans to become a pimp?
E: no... but maybe a guy who stands around the fruit carts in little cuba going "cch-ey, preedy lady! ju so fine, mang!"
then i'll offer them a mango.

Daddums suddenly takes an interest in all things domestic

So, here's the set up--I'm trying on a vintage dress for my mom that we're going to try to alter. My dad sits and watches for a moment, then starts a running commmentary. A sampling of his comments:

"That looks nice!" (Despite the fact that it's obviously too small.)
"Well, I think it looks nice!" (Upon me pointing out the fact that it's obviously too small.)

"Isn't that where it's supposed to be?" (meaning the hem at the waist)
"Isn't that fabric hard to sew?" (No, Dad, it's cotton.)

"What exactly is a vintage store?"

"So it's not made in China!" (His response to our realization that the dress is actually handmade.)

True 'dat

(From Rira)
Tom: like the world needs another dense straight boy
they start unnecessary wars and forget their mothers B-days

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Belgian beer bar fun

"That's a happy face." (me)
"That's the face of a man who knows what he's going to drink for the next 10 ounces."-Luiz

"Are you ready to storm the Kasteel?"- Dusty (Kasteel is a type of Belgian beer, of course...)

Friday, July 06, 2007

Such a good friend, he is

"No no, you can horn all you want."--Brian

Thursday, July 05, 2007

This is a much better quote out of context

(via Aim)

Me: Will there be nipples?
Rira: oh yes

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Because no human should have to fetch his or her own coffee

Dave: I should have hired a primate - cats can't fetch coffee without thumbs.
Me: You know, I've actually had this exact discussion before!

Oh, patriotism

"Have an absolutely star-spangled day!"--e

(Via E)-
"Independence, man."--Chip (on what he's "into")

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

NYC trips always provides a wealth of classic quotage...

"Who needs friends when you've got something hanging off your boob?"--Tina, old friend and new mommy

Not the only way she and the Holy One are similar...

(To Maria, who couldn't get drunk)
Tom: "Water and wine are the same for you."
Me: "Yeah, you're like Jesus."

I'll buy a drink for the person who comes up with the best answer to this important existential question.

"Hey guys! What's a penis?"--Crazy man wearing a dirty Sars mask, near Union Square, to no one in particular

Her confusion is understandable...

"So, is this art or pornography?"--Teenaged girl at the Strand, to a young boy who was looking at an art book with her

Only one of the reasons why I love her...

"Let's go. Let's go drink beer."--Rira

Certain things are very important to us...

Rira: "Do you realize that we just talked about chocolate chip cookies for an entire block?"
Me: "I'm going to put that on the blog, but I'm going to amend it to make note that it was an Upper West Side east to west block. The people in the know will get it."

I wonder to what he was referring...

(This one's for E)

"Them shit's delicious!"--gangsta guy, in Starbucks on the Upper West Side, to his friends

Friday, June 29, 2007

Blame rira

bri: lol. you know me. boobs, the internet, and cake.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

The aforementioned sexy Dave

Dave: It's time....
(time to get FUNKY.)
Just thought that I'd let you know - that's what friends are for.

Relating to the post below about Dave's audioblog appearance

Rira: um, dave has a sexy podcast voice
i told him i wanted him to read erotic short stories to me

me: oh my god--PLEASE let me put that on the blog
(and, yes, I agree)

Europe mega-post!

Unfortunately, as you know, the rest of the world has not yet decided to adopt English as their official language, hence a lot of the overhearing I did on my trip sounded like giberish to me, but I did what I could.

Before I even left

"Well, it _is_ your lucky day."--desk attendant in the First Class lounge, after I'd been bumped from economy to first class for my trans-atlantic flight

"I'm getting a memory like a sieve, I am."--British flight attendant

London-They speak English here

"People from the West like the sun, right?--my dunderheaded Thai roommate

"There was a dark [she means Black] person making sushi, and I thought: that's not sushi!"--same vapid Thai girl

"Well, this is another museum. And another boring woman is going to talk to you the whole time, I'm afraid."--schoolteacher , to her students (about sixth grade?) outside the British Museum

"I'll bet you breakfast that this is not Johnny Cash."--American guy to British guy (both mildly asshat-ish), sitting at separate tables, during breakfast at the Troubadour (The American guy was wasn't.)

Paris-City of odd men making forward advances

"I am crazy to dance!"--odd French man trying to hit on my outside the Notre Dame

"Oh la la."--little French girl in the Picasso museum (I kid you not!)

"You must be a bit of a nerd then, aren't you?"--Bhupindar, about my being so young and a professor

Two terribly racist jokes told me to me (completely unsolicited) during a drunken night in our hostel by an Indian-Canadian man:

"Did you know that the German people recently invented a car that can seat 100 people? One in the front, one in the back, and 98 in the ashtray."

"What's the difference between pizza and a black man? Pizza can feed 4 people."
And the, to placate the room full of us, who were horrified and groaning, he said, "That's not because they don't _want_ to but because they're lazy."

"That's not rice."--Bhupindar (the Indian-Canadian) to Sean, an American, who was trying to make himself a rice-based dinner

Amsterdam-During the "high times," I honestly thought I could understand Dutch and tried to join in on a few conversations. No quotes, though.

"Merci, madam."-little French schoolchild, to me, when I held a door open for him in the hostel (Maria--does this count as my quote in a foreign language?)

"Now we can say we got stoned with a professor!"-the two sweet, though slightly dull-eyed California girls with whom I spent time in Amsterdam

Berlin-I hoped to get a quote in German, but it didn't so much happen.

"You look like a general making plans of attack."--Muli, eyeing my notebook where I kept all my travel info

Prague- Czech is a queer language.

"Before I left, my mom told me, 'Don't forget that lost is the new found!'"- Tessa

Strasbourg-Drunk fun with LPC

"Mmmm...hold my weave."--Tommy (I should have writtten down more of what he many potential classics.)

Dublin: the land of Guinness and whiskey=good quotes

"Oh, fuck me. It's like their brains fell out their arses."--my cabdriver, speaking about the drunk assholes who were leaving the pubs at closing time (4am) and stumbling into our car (Note: I was not one of the drunk's a long story.)

"Oh, I took a picture of really black shit as well." -Dublin man, to friends, on what he'd done the night before

"Stick it in your bullocks."--same man, a few minutes later

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

I'm so proud! (And I get to go caving with a superstar next week!)

Dave: I'm famous!
I know what you're thinking...
Yes, you may have my autograph.

Yes, he's addressing me

E: You old Southern fag, you.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Oh Morgantown, purveyor of bitter ironies!

Rira (on hearing about the attempted break-in made on my Morgantown apartment last night, and referencing my upcoming trip to visit her in NYC): anyway, it will be good for you go get away from dangerous motown for a few days
me: Indeed!
Take sanctuary from the mean streets of Morgantown in NYC
Rira: yes
think of it as a nature retreat of sorts

Sunday, June 24, 2007

It's good to be back

Me (talking to Sister):
It's just showing at 10

what time do you get down?
though I would also appreciate knowing your etgd time (that's "estimated get down time"), so I could join you

Saturday, June 23, 2007

And we're back!

Dave: Bats are like little furry, upsidedown, mammalian penguins.
Except they live in caves instead of icebergs.
Oh, and they have the rabies.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Bon voyage!

While I'm jaunting around Europe for the following month, I've given Maria permission to post quotage in my stead. She lives in NYC, so I have a feeling she shouldn't want for remarkable things to bring to your attention.

Check the "comments" link after this entry.

I'll be back in four weeks, and I hope to have quite the Euromegapost when I return. I may even have quotes in other languages! (A girl can dream...)

Sunday, May 20, 2007

My sister makes funnies.

"There's left, and then there's left left."

"Does Bolivia worship the strawberry?"

A running commentary of the Strawberry Festival parade

"He looks like he knows how to blow." --J Saunders

"Some people choose abstinence, others have it chosen for them"--E and Rj (what a tag team)

"It's more like 'The Concerned Ursines.' They're an off-brand."--Rj, talking about a float with giant papier-mache bears that were supposed to look like the Care Bears

"Let he who is without chlamydia cast the first stone."--E

Hungover cleverness

Me: You're smart.
E: I know my bladders.

Me: (talking about Mimosas) ...and they provide us with vitamin C!
E: And vitamin drunk.

Drunk poker playing and a large amount of snark inspire great quotage.

Someone: Are you guys ready?
Rj:Did some fat girl from Pocahontas County in sequins cry tonight?

"Fun is not fun. Winning is fun."--Brian

"I think I'm too drunk to learn"--me, sadly

""Minutiae really matter when you're stoned in a way that doesn't when you're drunk."--Brian?

Brian: Fuck him up his ass!
Me: I'll leave that to you later.
Rj: Oh, he's a bottom.

E:...and fireworks!
Rj: I thought that was just fat people falling.

She recently got her first sunburn ever!

Rira: i think nyc is doing bad things for my melanin

Thursday, May 17, 2007

I love my girl

Rira: yes, we don't wasted any time
waste not wasted
that must have been a freudian slip


Oh, how I do love me some Dave time (combined with drinking, it's a winning pair!)

"You just missed a very insightful conversation about what makes a hootenanny a hoedown."-dave

(Paraphrasing) "My cat is very beautiful. She's a cat butt model."-dave, of course

"We do take requests, but we ask that you write them down on a twenty dollar bill and have the drunkest member of your party bring it forward."--funny/creepy guy leading the bluegrass jam

(All at the Brewpub)

When some weird guy approaches your table, do NOT make eye contact.

Weird guy: "I have a joke for you...I wrote it down so I wouldn't forget. 'How many perverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?'"

:::I physically cringe in preparation for what I know will be a painful and tasteless punchline.:::

Weird guy (con.): "One. But it takes a whole emergency room of people to get it out."

:::me: shudder:::

It's not porn; it's art!

Rira: haha
that's what you get for posting porn

Rj's been keeping me in Falwell-bashing porn (of sorts)

Seriously, someone needed to say this. And, seriously, you need to watch this:

Rj: "Hitchens is drunk and pisses all over falwell. Pity he's only reasonable when it comes to religion."

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

RIP (?) Jerry Fallwell

Brian: oh btw
praise jesus

Rj: I'm equally sorry that he didn't linger and suffer....sort of how I feel about Raygun.

From Rj's blog: "The fact that such a hateful man (he did, after all, make Larry Flynt look sympathetic) could wrap himself in "god" and attain national prominence and influence is a surer sign of moral paucity and societal backsliding than a couple of leather bears kissing while a flotilla of drag queens toss rubbers from sparkly floats. The sad truth is his passing means nothing. His death, like the death of single termite, merely creates space for another just like him to take his place."

"How I hope St. Peter, Jesus, and Screamin’ Jay Hawkins personally threw him off the narthex cloud into Perdition."--e

"i kept hitting the refresh button until the 'hospitalized' turned to 'dead at 73'."--Rj's friend Montgomery

Saturday, May 12, 2007

What a productive dinner...all that learning and sharing

"It's not a disease, it's a virus."--Nima defending a certain friend (cough) who accidently contracted a disease/virus while traveling in Europe

"I've really explored myself tonight."--Rira

"Oh, _is_ humid in Texas."--Nima, trying to get the conversation back on track

Sometimes the NYC crazies try to get you involved

"You look like a cool guy...You look like a 17th century poet."--Clerk at Puerto Rico Coffee to E

"He's 65 years old, and if he doesn't get shish kabob, he'll kill me. And he's from Detroit."--Iranian man who engaged us on the street for probably a full five minutes

It's the "Shlee and E Hour," kids! Fasten your seatbelts, and watch the quotage fly!

"Transvestites are the new cyborgs."--E

"I feel billowy."--E again

"Don't worry. I've got your asshole covered."--Me, to E

"You have any cherry bombs or waterhoses?"--E

"I know I've said this before, but if I get Hep C, you're responsible."--E, to me (Taking note of this and the previous quote, I have to wonder who exactly does he think I am??)

Me: "You know what's weird about New York now? Before, when you saw someone walking down the street talking to themself, you just assumed, 'OK, they're some crazy homeless person.' But now most of the time they're just talking on one of those stupid cell phone earpieces."
E: "That's why we started the program 'Fake Bluetooth for the Homeless.'"

"I bet this one's called 'Burlap Vagina.'"--E guessing the name of Lucio Fontatana's "Spatial Concept: Expectations" at MoMA [
](I think his idea is much better)

Drunk, annoying people generally provide the best quotes

"And I was like 'vroom, vroom,' and it was like whatever."
"I don't have a very girly voice. You can make it manly."--Stupid drunk girl outside of the O.Henry pub who scared Otis, the dog

It's impossible to walk through Union Square and not come up with many good "hit and run" quotes from passerbys

"Let's go to Whole Foods and pick up girls."--Young gothpunk to his friend

"I've got a date with a fucking blunt."--Yet another young punk

"I like water in theory."--girl walking under umbrella

"This is a big park. If you go where you please, you'll end up in...Jersey."--Teacher to a student (This one was in Central Park, but it's similar enough)

Monday, May 07, 2007

My mom uses me for my access to raw fish

"I think I'm starting to associate you with sushi. One of these days I'm going to look at you and see a giant California roll."--my Mom

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Maternal logic

"It's like, 'If you've known my daughter long enough, it's OK to request pictures of her on a mechanical bull.'"- Maria

In the middle of an AIM conversation about other normal things....

My mom: "pitts zoo has a kimono (sp) dragon -- last of the dinos?"

(a few minutes later)

My mom again: "ok, so was kimono spelled correctly - do NOT put that on the blog"

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Using our power for evil rather than good is so much more fun...

(from Rira)

Brian: okay, now I'm going to go run amok like mcaully caulkin in home alone

(about finding quotes for the blog)
me: see what a fun game this is!
Rira: yes, now that i've learned to play the game against others, it is fun

Poor, horny poltergeists. Don't they deserve love too?

"The supernatural phenomena in this story is the headless horesman in Sleepy Hollow, who is searching for head." --one of E's student's exam responses

Maria's response to the above:
just like every other boy in the universe

Sunday, April 29, 2007

This is true (and it may also explain that period of my life I refer to as "The Year of Three Stalkers")

Brian: haha, I enjoyed my quote about flirting with crazy chicks btw

me: maria sent that to me
her fault

brian: for the record, the girl is crazy. maybe you'll meet her sometime...but probably not

me: does she like you?

brian: hard to tell. all the normal indicators are there, but patently, they don't apply to crazy people

This is why I need Maria around all the time...

(after asking the English professor [yes, me] a grammar question)

brian: ur the bst.
my papr is in txt
lol no.

me: i'm glad I actually new the answers

brian: oh snap
you _new_ them?
or you knew them
all the credit you had
went flying out the window.

me: whoops
thus is my life with grammar

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Best breaking news headline ever

"Unbaptized Babies Released from Limbo"--Discovery News

4 hours of "Battle of the Bands" leads to hysteria and excellent quotage

"It was like animal house. Not _the_ Animal House. _An_ animal house."--Steve, referring to his college living space

"That one was called 'Carolina Boogie.'"--some asshole lead singer, after singing a song that repeated those two words probably about 8 dozen times

"He's a pretty wicked drummer...metal-style."--some other asshole lead singer from one of the bands

"Where did you end up ending up?"--Steve

Thursday, April 26, 2007

He says, as he walks away with my chocolate...

" we all win...except you, who's lost something."--e

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Maria-- "am i coming across great material today, or am i just finding everything hilarious?"

(both also from Maria)

Rira: aww
i think i want to put some potted plants out on my balcony for the summer
not because i spend time there, but i'll see them through the window when I sit in the a/c

Tom: buying plants is such a huge existential endeavor though
it endorses slavery and only leads to death


brian(12:55:18 PM): well, duh
brian(12:55:48 PM): there's no rule that says you can't flirt with crazy chicks

Sunshine can affect one's forewarned.


Rira: tom has this theory that everyone breaks up in the spring, after they've finished burrowing for the winter and notice how many other people there are in the city
me: That's pretty cynical and I love it
Rira: he believes that this is prime time for witnessing public breakups
so we're going out on friday night to see if we catch any
me: giggle
that's about the best thing I've heard today
Rira: well it's 8:55

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Submitted by Maria....

David: I'm boycotting New Jersey.
me: why is that?
David: Because they don't let you pump your own gas.
It's very un-empowering.

It's 'cause he's got the tenure...

"That's true...I'll lick anybody."--e

Monday, April 23, 2007

Jesus loves him a SUV...

And now the quote of the month from this guy on _The Daily Show_ who wouldn't let his daughter's 7th grade class be shown _An Inconvenient Truth_ because he doesn't believe in global warming.  What does he believe, you ask?  That global warming is somehow directly related to the Apocalypse.  

His comments on the subsequent rapture and how he plans to spend it:

"I look forward to having a recreational vehicle and spending time with my family."--(The ironically named) Frosty

How Swift-ian...


brian: but I know you must go promote the killing of babies. I think you should make the argument that we might as well eat them.
waste not want not!

Sunday, April 22, 2007


The problem with spending an evening with a number of exceedingly quotable people is that it's difficult to remember any quotes to post because your brain gets flooded with so, so many. I thought about just giving it up as a lost cause, but I do remember one, so we'll let this stand as a representation of all the others...

(Upon finding a red boa feather on the floor of the bar)
"Oh look, the biddy's are molting." --rj

Friday, April 20, 2007

I just got schooled

"P.S. You don't want to even know what kind of muck-luck wearing
beaver-hatted mosquito crazed single-wide dwellers I could get to
rush the border and go through your sock drawer. So I think we better
call this a truce."--Kelvin

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Duly noted.

"I consider myself pretty hard guy, but I wouldn't scour my dick with a Brillo pad just to make a point."--e

"I'm the guy who hits the elevator button repeatedly."--e

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

I could just sit here today, ready to type, and come up with all sorts of fun Devon quotes...

"I'm down to a haunch already."

"I'm just so turned on today."


Maria should get half-ownership of this blog...

(This makes sense becuase Maria's mom is from Canada...)


have you heard of Feist?
she'a canadian
like half of you

Rira: haha
now THAT should go on the blog



Rira: no politics before coffee, i say
don't put that on your blog

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

I'm putting this up here because it fortifies me...


Rira: yes, there are people whose full-time job it is to give you free stuff
take advantage of it

How do I maintain my sunny disposition, you ask? Why, it's due to the positive reinforcement I get from my friends, of course!

"Face down, ass up. That's all that's left for you now."--e

Monday, April 16, 2007

We're having some unusually naughty conversations for so early in the AM...

Rira: oh yes
i'm having tons of hot sex right now
as we speak, actually

me: Well aren't you to screw and type at the same time?
That should go on the "skills" part of your resume

Rira: yes, it's a useful skill indeed

me: everyone needs something to set them apart from the crowd

Rira requested that I put this up...fair's fair, I guess

(aim, to Rira, who I am attempting to entice to join me on my big voyage across the big ocean)

me: If I had a nickel for everytime I had to prostitue myself to get someone to come with me to europe...

Sunday, April 15, 2007

I could give the context in which this was said, but I think it's more fun just dangling in the dark...

"17 yards is a lot of twat."--e

And, a few days later:

"hee hee. it sho' is. a LOT of twat."--e, again

Hey, we all get our kicks in different ways...

sister kara:

I'm obsessed with the jump at 1:36. I've watched it like 27 times.

sister shlee: it's dancing porn!

Thursday, April 12, 2007

I do love this department...

The formidable JS: Well hello, you gorgeous beast.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

I'm so glad she can be on my overheard page...

Person in the audience: What do you think is the biggest mistake that Bush has ma...

Sarah Vowell: (cutting him off) WAR...war. I mean, war? The war.

I will do basically anything for the people who fill my life with quips like this one...

"You really can't be a country without a navy or a beer."--e

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Happy ReBirthday, Jesus!

This is what happens when you take two sinners on one of their biannual trips to church (as if we weren't already booked on a first-class trip to Hades):

(about four minutes into the service)
K: I'm bored.
me: Isn't that a redundant thing to say in church?


Pastor: (reads that passage from the Bible where the chick goes to the tomb and finds out Jesus isn't there.)
me: Yeah, you wouldn't want to be the one who lost Jesus.


Pastor: Now, all together, hold your hands over your heart and say your name out loud.
K: (loudly) Lateesha!


me: (about "Up From the Grave He Arose") I like this hymn because it sounds like a drinking song.


The Lawson Sisters reinterpret that classic Easter tune "Easter People Raise Your Voices": "Party People Raise your Glasses"

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Pittsburgh shenanigans with Dave

"If you promise someone something, keep it."-- Dave's fortune cookie from Lulu's

"It's like Christmas for alcoholics."--Dave, on the Belgian beer bar

"It's kind of hard to do the whole rock n roll tour thing when you're breastfeeding a 12-year-old."--Apparently I said this, cause I wrote it down, though I don't really remember it

Friday, April 06, 2007


David A. Riggs
I love the blue moose

i know you do, po

Don't mess with the god-less...

(After I suggested that a Christian student was trying to convert him)

:::long pause:::

"I always win."--e

Oddly enough, I agreed

"Promise me that if you ever kill me in a car accident that you'll shoot yourself."--e

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Ba dum dhum...


Maria: well, he started his own company that became successful, which allowed him to dip into other industries
he even owns a portion of a race horse
me: which part?!

Damn Scottish immigrants...


Rira: someone here is playing bagpipe music, and i haven't even had my coffee yet

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Oh that it were...


Dave: But I wish the Lawson Funk-Down was corporate policy.

Saturday, March 31, 2007

Innuendo and such

brian: now if I were preheating the oven to put my turkey in, that's a metaphor for foreplay

Friday, March 30, 2007

We're talking about his cat, normally (or abnormally) named "Fluffy Ruffles"

me and funky ruffles are getting down while we clean the house

oh she's _funky_ ruffles now, huh?

if you saw her dance, you'd know it.
(she's not so big on this hip hop though, she wants Professor Groove to start busting out some James Brown)

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

This is why I stay online all the time--for gems like this:

Wednesday, March 28, 2007 8:49

hidden javamon
I should've been born in the 40's, if that makes you feel any better. (I should be working, but reading blogs is much more worthwhile)

And why is that?

hidden javamon
well, that'd put me at the right age to have been a player in the golden age of racing in the 60's. I've spent most of the last year watching and reading about it (law be damned) and I think that's really what I should be doing. they followed the brian engineering method; i.e.: hammering on something until it works - completely inefficient. but there was just enough money to live, and you didn't have to worry about health and safety, and all in all, it was fantastic.


hidden javamon
and it prompted hemingway to say: There are only three sports; motor racing, bull fighting and mountain climbing. The rest are mere games.

oh i do enjoy a good literary reference

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

I'm sensing a theme here...


Rira: anyway, i have to run to a meeting
where i hopefully will not bring up asian babies

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Das Internet ist sehr toll!

(via GoogleTalk)

Shayla: guten tag from deutschland

Rira and I are probably soulmates, bound together by our unbearable cuteness...

me: i wish i had a tasti-delite :)
Rira: i wish i had a dairy queen :)
me: oh we're like country mouse and city mouse

Maria's life is like a Dilbert cartoon

Maria: business professors are lazy fucks
that's what i have learned

Let the record show...

Rira: if brian sends you a quote about a turkey baster, it's not true

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

English professor humor is obscure in its hilarity...

In response to my email sign-off "Oh that Friday were today":

"That’s my favorite Andrew Marvell poem, right after “When Currency Last In My Trousers Rested” and “Whence Hath Gone The Wench With My Whiskey?”"-e

Sunday, March 18, 2007

I think she's implying something about me...

Rira: i just saw taming of the shrew at bam with tom and thought of you

so wise...

"I'd rather be ignorant than obvious"- dusty

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Alternate career plans are always a good thing, I'm learning...


Rira: ...and we travel well together, i think
Me:me too
We would do pretty well on the amazing race
Maria: yes!
i'm ready for a career change
lets make the reality tv circuit

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

I like my friends

(Via aim)

how does it feel to be pretty and rich?
you're practically paris hilton
except actually pretty
not fake pretty

Sunday, March 11, 2007

I can't help it...

B: alright, I'm going to go put on some soothing music, well, vnv natiojn

Saturday, March 10, 2007

I like how everyone has their own special way of making you feel better.

"Fuck 'em in the ear. And, furthermore, fuck 'em in the other ear."--e

Thursday, March 08, 2007


(at Giant Eagle, in line in the express lane)

Little (maybe 6 years old) boy: (picks up the suprisingly easy-access packet of tobacco off the shelf and shows it to his father): What's this, Daddy?
Ass-hat of a father: That's good stuff.

Me: (mouth hanging open) :::no words:::

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Dirty puns are the best puns.

(This make total sense in context, referring to a picture of a girl and a boy who's holding a big heart over his bottom.)

"I've got a great big Heart On."- e

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

I like having a pre-school teacher for a mom...

(in the middle of an otherwise normal phone conversation...)

"I am sitting here putting baby powder on sea horses..."- my mom

Submitted by the gracious Mr. David A. Riggs...

me: My sexy phone got destroyed. :-(

Maria: aww
what was your sexy phone?
was it the donkeys?

me: That's a good quote!

Maria: don't give it to ashley
she's evil with that blog

me: I know, I love it!

Monday, March 05, 2007

Fun with the Shayla in the 'burgh...

"How would you become a hand?"- jon

"Very fucking dude." (that's an adjective)

(after hearing about a joint named "Crazy Horse")
Me: "I love strip clubs named after famous Native Americans."
?: "Is there more than one?"
?: "Sitting Bull."
Justine: "Geronimo."

"We're going to be like Christians and ignore the physical evidence and believe in what we want to believe in."- shayla

Friday, March 02, 2007

I'm being a party pooper


brian: you're as much fun as a toad in a mud puddle

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

She wants to steal one from Chinatown

Maria: i love the little chinese babies

Monday, February 12, 2007

No it's not...or is it?

"It's always about loincloths with you."--e

(How exactly do you spell the plural of loincloth?)

Cupcakes and lesbian poetry...mmmmmm....

me: Are cupcakes lesbian food?
I don't know why my mind went there

Maria: i was wondering that
but didn't want to ask and sound stupid
because cupcakes are good for any occasion, i think

She means this as a metaphor for a life philosophy...

"You know they always say on the airplane to mothers, 'Put your gasmask on first, then your baby's.' And I think that's good advice."-- Devon

I could fill an entire blog in tribute to Devon's many quotables!

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

My new motto


K: i say RIDE... and RIDE HARD!!!

We are reclaiming Valentine's Day...

...and making it safe for the single and cynical everywhere.


Rira: so you know all my vday ranting yesterday?

Me: yes

Rira: before hw, i went to victoria's secret and bought pink underwear with lace and hearts and cherries on them
so you're not allowed to let me complain anymore
because i'm a hypocrite, apparently

Me: Oh, for fuck's sake, darling
Just because something's pink doesn't mean it has to be associated with vday
Make Vday stand for "vagina day" and celebrate your girl parts

Rira: the hearts?
haha, ok

Me: Hearts pump blood
end of story

Rira: we'll pretend the hearts are representations of the pussy

Me: hurray!
Now every time I see one I will have absolutely no qualms about Feb 14

Sunday, February 04, 2007

See, things are already more complicated...

Me: I still feel like these are RIVAL blogs
K: sister blogs!
Me: my territory feels threatened
K: we can USE the same quotes!
Me: It's like you're Hitler Germany, and I'm Austria, and you're just scooting up really close to my border, saying
"Hey! Let's be friends! Let's hold hands"
and then WHAM
next thing you know we're all part of the mutterland
K: ok THATS going on mine
Me: bah
I'm not even sure if that's a historically accurate metaphor
K: i dont plan on conquering you
Me: well now that's going on MINE

How very meta...

Because everyone always says I don't put my own embarrasing comments up...

Me: Dusty, if you don't go with Kara to Coldstone, I'll put your balls back up inside your nads...

Friday, February 02, 2007

Maria always puts things in perspective...


me: oh geez
that sounds familiar
Us poor girls
everything's always so complicated

Maria: indeed
and then i look at matt-turned-valerie, the trannie who still looks like a man and wants to be a lesbian, and i think: my life is simple

me: we should have that embroidered on a throw pillow so we see it every morning to remind us to be content with our lives

Maria: haha
you can be in charge of that
maybe a nice tapestry

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

It rings so true

"Maybe they're not interesting enough yet to want to be left alone."--E, on my freshmen

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Well, of course...


Rira: so yesterday on 6th avenue, this little skinny white kid came up to me and asked me for a couple dollars so he could buy himself a falafel, because he's vegan

nobody has ever begged me for falafel money before, so i had to give it to him

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Really, it's good advice to all men everywhere....

(On aim, to brian)

MriaAsunta: yes
MriaAsunta: if you want to get in my pants, don't say the word orifice
MriaAsunta: as a general rule

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Kara's away message (and btw, I concur)

If one day, I were ever to write a song.. it would not be about love, life, or any other complicated subject. It would be about coffee. *Keeping Kara awake since 2002*

We're so not talking about what you think we're talking about...


Me: Well, I'm either popular or easy

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Rainbows forever

Tom (to Rira): oh when I saw the room at your party I knew you were well diversified
I mean WOW
it was like the fucking UN in there

Sunday, January 07, 2007

On discussing mutual girl crushes on Angelina Jolie with my sister...


Shlee: sisters are more important than potential imaginary lesbian partners

Oh the joys of multiple meanings

Rira: Yes, right now I accept payment in booty. And not the pirate kind.

It really doesn't matter what it's the answer to. It could work for most anything.


Rira: yes
and the answer is alcohol and yoga

Shlee: yes and yes!

Rira: if you can combine those successfully, you'll keep your mind off it

Saturday, January 06, 2007

There's no quote here, but more the aftershocks of another quote (the Susan B. Anthony one)

Thank god for the interweb--How else would we have access to these soul-deep and important moments of true communication?

Shlee: My coffee tastes like cigarettes
but in the good way
Rira: haha...ew
Shlee: and there's an old man at the table next to me singing beach boys songs out loud
i just had to tell someone before i burst
Rira: are you at the moose?
Shlee: yup
that would be an even more interesting anecdote if I were actually at home
Rira: yes, it would

Friday, January 05, 2007

Broad generalizations are fun!


Rira: boys are wimps, even when they're gay